I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
