i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's blow job season.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
