if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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