1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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