You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
