I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
