They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
