just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize