If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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