I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
