I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
