I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
