I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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