we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
