are you still at the devil's house?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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