If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
