what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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