Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
