Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
