My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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