saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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