the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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