weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
