Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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