My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
