We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
