I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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