Need sex. Gaining weight.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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