he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
