All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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