tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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