the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
As shirtless as possible
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
