Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
