Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
soo... how was my night?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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