I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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