Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
