just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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