Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
