Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
