From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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