guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
