The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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