whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
