please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
