I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
