I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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