Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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