btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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