proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
