I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
