around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The best revenge is premature balding
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
