MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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