I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
