He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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