How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
