i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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