she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
